The WWF open season: European Title Edition.
by Alan Smithee
Summary: With its ratings in a slump, the WWF decides to vacate the titles and institute open tournaments. This is the first of those. Warning: Contains insane choices of wrestlers in matches that are more hardcore than f**k.


The WWF OPEN SEASON.  
  
Whole series by Thomas Greene, using people from various places to the point where even I can't list all of the copyrights.  
  
Prologue.   
  
Tuesday, October 25, 2000: 9 a.m. WWF offices.  
  
"I don't believe this!" Vince McMahon said. The move of the WWF shows to TNN had proven to be an iffy move to date. Many casual fans of the WWF TV shows had shied away from what was long held as a "redneck station", which led to a small drop-off. However, the upset occured when WWF Raw! had actually lost to WCW Nitro for the first time in years. Vince knew it was time for a huge change, and he didn't mean for Tazz to start kicking more ass this time. He called up his executives.  
  
"Gentlemen, it's time for some drastic measures," Vince said.  
"But Vince, what are we going to do? People don't want to watch our show on TNN, and we've burned the USA bridge," his executive replied.  
"The first thing we're doing is scrapping the proposed ways for the next five Pay-Per-Views. In their steads, some more extreme tournaments. A different title as the prize for each one, climaxing at Wrestlemania."  
"But how will that help?"   
"We're going to need qualifiers during Raw, right?"  
"But they don't want to watch our wrestlers!"  
"Solution: Open season in these. Just send a message to us, first 64 who we deem worthy get spots in the tournaments. Wrestlers aren't the only ones. If you can get to the site, you can be in it.  
"Brilliant."   
  
Part One: The European Title Tournament.  
  
Survivor Series 2000.  
  
The stage was set for the first of these violent tournaments. 64 people started the week after Vince said for it to happen. The rounds were set by random draws. The first qualifing round would feature "Stretcher/Table matches", where the only way to win would be to put your opponent through a metal stretcher. The second qualifiers would be a straight-up "Coffin match." The first true round would just be a "Tag Team Partner in a cage match," where if you could get to the jobber who was locked in a cage first, it would be a two-on-one in your favor. Quarterfinals would be a straight "Inferno match", while the Semifinals would be a "C4 Explosion match", where the only way to win would be to blow your opponent up. The finals would mix all of these things and add a ladder match part to it; you'd have to put your opponent through a stretcher, take out a ladder to get the keys to get a jobber out of the cage, set your opponent aflame, then lock them in a coffin with something to cause a light explosion while you climbed a ladder to get the belt. As you could see, the matches had a touch of truly hardcore behavior to them. The quarterfinals were eventually set. The pairings:  
  
First PPV Round (Stretcher/Table):  
  
Albert (With Trish Stratus and Test) vs. Dean Milenko (with his ladies)  
Garfield creator Jim Davis vs. K from Men in Black  
Ferro Lad vs. Fox Mulder  
X-Pac (with Road Dogg and Tori) vs. The Mask  
Keanu Reeves vs. R2-D2  
A Backyard Wrestler vs. A guy without a head  
Darkwing Duck vs. A Hammerhead shark  
Tazz vs. The Tick.  
  
First PPV Round Match synopses:  
  
Albert vs. Milenko was the only match in this first round that had any semblance of wrestling skill to it. It looked at the start as if Albert would crush Milenko. However, a series of powerful moves would only serve to cause Albert to tire himself out. Milenko tried to get him to submit, actually having him tap out a couple of times, but to no avail (not a regular match, after all.) This was the break Albert needed, as it caused Test to try and run in and break up the hold. The two ganged up on Milenko ruthlessly, eventually getting ready for the stretcher. The rules stated that the wrestler in the match needed to put his opponent through, so Test tried to hold Milenko down to the stretcher. Albert went up to the top rope. As he flew downwards, Milenko put a stunning and quick move toward Test that left him laying on the stretcher. Albert couldn't stop in time, as Milenko slapped him on his ass the split-second before Albert hit down and the team of T&A got closer than any team (with the possible exception of Too Much) would ever want to get with each other. Trish looked at the two, crumpled up in a heap on the bent stretcher. "You idiots", she said before running to join Milenko.  
The rest of the matches were virtually idiotic.  
Davis had absolutely no chance against K. K's training and weaponry made it easy to tie Davis up to the stretcher and send a strange energy wave out to cause the stretcher to bend in two.   
Mulder held his own for a good period of time until Ferro Lad, in a last ditch effort to win, showed his face to Mulder. Mulder saw Ferro's disfigured visage and, certain it was alien, did a huge dance that caused him to trip over the rope and fall onto the stretcher. Ferro Lad then turned into iron and did a Shooting Star Press off of the top rope and onto Mulder's torso, breaking both the stretcher and Mulder's back.   
The backyard wrestler had a surprisingly easy time with the headless guy. He tied the headless man to the stretcher, quietly had one of his friends lower the steel cage at the top, scaled it, and jumped off feet-first toward the headless man. He won the match, but did break both his ankles. (Remember, don't jump feet-first toward a stretcher at home, this is a fanfic.)  
X-Pac used virtually every move in his vast arsenal, but the Mask kept coming. Eventually, Tori tried to help her man. The Mask got stunned and bounced around, coming to a stop...on the stretcher. The Road Dogg tried to help by going to the top rope as X-Pac walked onto the rope itself. Both jumped on to bend the stretcher.   
Keanu Reeves and R2-D2 just kept walking around the ring uncertain on what to do. Eventually, the referee tried to get them to do an offensive move at least. Reeves took the chance, lifted up R2-D2, and threw him as far as he could. By a series of freak accidents, R2 landed on the stretcher and dented it, which was determined as enough to give the victory.   
Darkwing Duck had an easy time with the Hammerhead shark. He beat the shark into sushi, then took out a sledgehammer, put a piece of said sushi onto the stretcher, and beat it until it dented.   
The final first round match had arrived, and it was awaited to see who was badder, Tazz or the Tick. Tazz fought the Tick with every suplex he could imagine, but the Tick just kept on coming. Eventually, Tazz tried his Tazz-mission. The Tick was being choked out, but in his throes of escape he threw Tazz off of him and onto the stretcher. The Tick then ran and leapt onto the stretcher, breaking it.   
  
Quarterfinals (Inferno match):  
  
Dean Milenko(with Trish Stratus and the ladies) vs. K  
Ferro Lad vs. X-Pac (with Road Dogg and Tori)  
Keanu Reeves vs. A backyard wrestler (with two broken ankles)  
Darkwing Duck vs. The Tick  
  
Match Synopses:  
  
The quarterfinals had even less pure wrestling skill than the first round. K tried to let loose with a flamethrower. However, Milenko kept getting out of the way of it. Milenko then tried to use a submission manuver, with little success. K got out and was Irish Whipped into the ropes. Milenko then dropkicked K into the fires surrounding the ring, burning him.  
Ferro Lad saw this match to be quite easy. He just figured that if he turned to Iron, he couldn't be burnt or else he'd be strengthened. X-Pac never had a chance. He let loose with all of his wrestling maneuvers, but left without any help. He tried martial arts, but left with some badly hurting feet. In desperation, his cronies tried to help him. Suddenly, Kane's theme music played. Kane entered the ring, threw Road Dogg and Tori into the fire, then grabbed X-Pac. He quickly grabbed hold of X-Pac's neck and chokeslammed him into the flames. Ferro Lad turned back to human form and started to celebrate. Kane tried to chokeslam him into the flames, but Ferro Lad took off his mask to him and started to say "It's the same here, man."   
Keanu Reeves couldn't believe his luck. He was facing a guy with two broken ankles? The backyard wrestler hobbled into the ring and tried to give as much as possible. Eventually, Reeves grabbed the backyard wrestler and threw him into the flames.  
Darkwing Duck and The Tick both started punching and kicking the other one, fighting over whatever piddly little stuff they could. Eventually, Darkwing Duck had to use his gas gun. He shot a canister at The Tick, causing a cloud of smoke. The referee mistook it for being lit on fire, and Darkwing Duck continued his run.  
  
Semi-finals (C4 Explosion match.)  
  
Dean Milenko (with Trish Stratus and the ladies) vs. Ferro Lad (with Kane)  
Keanu Reeves vs. Darkwing Duck  
  
Ferro Lad had gotten quite cocky. All he thought he'd have to do would be Iron up and become the European Champion by the time he finished. He decided to Iron up. "Hey, Dean! You can't do anything to me now!"  
"Oh, yeah?" Milenko responded.   
"I don't think you can even blow me up!"Ferro Lad replied.  
"Let's see."   
"You think you can? Put me in the chamber and let 'er rip!" Milenko grabbed Ferro Lad and threw him into the chamber, then detonated some C4. Ferro Lad was still there. However, the joke was on Ferro Lad, as the referee checked the rules for the C4 Explosion match and saw that you only had to put your opponent into a C4 explosion, not to injure or kill him. Milenko went on as Ferro Lad questioned the decision.  
Darkwing Duck started out at the gate. "This is for 'The Replacements!'"he cried as he punched Keanu Reeves frequently. "This is for having anything to do with the band Dogstar!" he cried as he kicked him frequently. He pulled out his gas gun. "AND THIS IS FOR YOUR ENTIRE FILMOGRAPHY SAVE FOR 'MATRIX' AND THE 'BILL AND TED' MOVIES!" Reeves was trapped. His only option was to look around. He found the ring bell. He quickly put it up against Darkwing's gun. The bell forced the gas toward Darkwing, causing the referee to think that Darkwing had been in a C4 explosion.   
  
Finals (For the European Championship, EVERYTHING BUT THE KITCHEN SINK MATCH):   
  
Keanu Reeves vs. Dean Milenko (with Trish Stratus and the Ladies)  
  
This match was more of a bloodbath. Milenko and Reeves started out slowly, just generally fighting with each other. Reeves attempted to go off of the top rope, but Milenko caught him before he could do so. He proceeded to get up to the top with Reeves and powerbombed him from the top rope onto the stretcher. Milenko was visibly shaken and dropped to the nearby second stretcher. Reeves took the opportunity and jumped off of the apron to put Milenko through the stretcher. The two were already shaken as they waited for level two. A ladder was brought into the ring as the keys to the cage were lowered. Both men tried vainly to get up the ladder. Milenko finally kicked Reeves to the ground, jumped off the ladder onto his back, and put the Texas Cloverleaf on him. Reeves was very hurt, but Milenko didn't let up until he was certain he'd be hurt enough to be incapacitated for the time it would take him to climb the ladder. He waited until it was time as he climbed. He got the keys and unlocked the door. The jobber fought on Reeves for a bit, but then took a microphone. "Sorry, Dean, but 'Speed' was sort of cool", he said as he turned on Milenko. Milenko was desperately at a disadvantage as the fires were re-lit. He quickly Irish-whipped the jobber into the ropes and sent Reeves to meet with him, sending the jobber into the fires. Milenko came up behind Reeves as they fought each other. Both eventually put each other over the top rope, sending each other into the flames. As both were burned, someone brought out the explosives-lined coffin and lowered the European title belt to ladder reach. Both men were running on fumes, but continued to fight to their limits. Finally, Reeves seemed done for. Milenko put on a modified Crippler crossface that would also put pain on Reeves's legs. The pain made Reeves pass out. Milenko quickly grabbed Reeves, threw him into the coffin, slammed it shut, and took the detonator. He went up to the ladder as the coffin started to nearly open. Milenko thought to himself, "There goes an absolutely horrid actor" as he pressed the button to detonate the coffin. He heard Keanu Reeves scream out for his last breath, but he didn't care. The prize was at his reach. He climbed the last few rungs to growing applause from the crowd. He finally made it to the top and grabbed the leather and gold ring. His music started playing. "THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH, AND NEW WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION EUROPEAN CHAMPION, DEAN MILENKO!" The crowd started roaring. "This is what I came here for...", he thought. 


End file.
